The Melancholy Eskimo Review -- by Bob Eldridge
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Winter post schedule: irregular. Warning: plot spoilers.
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SEASON 2 CONTENTS
SEASON 2 HIGHLIGHTS
Dimmer Light Bulb Will
Use Less Power,
Say Beacon Scientists
BEACON, NY – Researchers here at the Beacon Lamp and Beacon Co. say they’ve invented a new light bulb that uses only 30% as much electricity as a normal light bulb.
   “Moreover, it produces only 30% as much light, which will cut down on light pollution, which has hampered efforts by backyard astronomers to rationalize their hobby to others,” said Doug “Dutch” French, director of research and development for the company.
   The American Brotherhood of Backyard Astronomers (ABBA) hailed the breakthrough as “a breakthrough.”
   ABBA spokesman Bjorn Ulvaeus said the new bulb may confirm a long-held theory among amateur astronomers that “there was something in the air that night, the stars were bright, Fernando, they were shining there for you and me, Fernando.”
Eldridge Heads to Mideast to Help Look
for Weapons of Mass Destruction
BAGHDAD – Bobservatory publisher Bob Eldridge arrived here last week to aid the United Nations in its search for weapons of mass destruction, he said.
   “I’m going to be looking everywhere, especially in women’s lingerie, which has frequently been known to conceal dangerous weapons,” he told a group of curious onlookers.
   UN sanctions on the import of French lingerie has had “some effect, but on what we aren’t really sure.” According to Eldridge, it has not stopped a brisk trade in panties and bras, often smuggled into the country under the clothing of specially-trained women known as “mules”, who, in order to distract the attention of inspectors, often wear low-heeled strapless slippers also known as “mules”.
   An initial inspection of blouses and dresses in downtown BAGHDAD would have turned up a number of illegal brassieres if it had taken place. If further inspection of these revealed an assortment of torpedoes, bazookas, hand grenades and easily molded plastic explosives, these would have been turned over to authorities.
   Eldridge said that a careful inspection of panties on the outskirts of BAGHDAD might lead to several confrontations with authorities, some of which will probably become “pretty hairy”.
   “It will take a while to sort through all this data. These areas are very effective hiding places and I’m just going to have to go through them all one at a time.”
   With an adult female population of about six million, and an inspection rate of “about a hundred a day, which is the most I can handle,” Eldridge estimates that it will take him approximately 160 years to complete his work. He is counting on advances in medical science to keep him alive, and hoping for cooperation from the United States government to “delay any military action until I’m finished.”
   Another threat looming here is the spread of nuclear families. Iraq’s birthrate is 35 per thousand whereas the U.S. birthrate is only 14 per thousand, creating a serious baby gap.
   Taking a break from his duties, Eldridge plans to head this summer to Nigeria, site of the Miss World riots last November. To help repair that public relations disaster, the country will host the Miss Destruction pageant, the highlight of which will be the Weapons of Miss Destruction contest.
The Bobservatory
motto: strange funny timeless monthly
Copyright (c) 2001-2006 Robert T. Eldridge Contact email: adm
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Copyright (c) 2001-2005 Robert T. Eldridge Contact email: adm
The
Melancholy
Review
Eskimo
A look at what's going on in the arts & culture.
Written and Edited by Bob Eldridge
SEASON 1

Bobservatory 12
Circulation Hits 30, Publisher Forced to Relocate
Powell Sent to Midwest
Workshop on Suppository Writing
New CEO Questions Postage
Wind Admits Writing Gloomy Poems
Bob and Cynthia, continued
Sponsor: ButtWipes
Sponsor: Free Association Association
Necco Wafers For Your Mind

Bobservatory 13
Making the Big Move to Beacon
Key Clues Ignored in DC Sniper Case
Rudy Frimmel –  My First Big Break
Also Yak Zarathustra

Bobservatory 14
Uncertainty Over New Address
Editor Agrees to See Dermatologist
Sturm and Drang Enter
Witness Protection Program
Toy Weapons Inspectors Arrive in Baghdad
Personals Ad
Sponsor: Schnell No. 5 Perfume
The Frog and Dog Restaurant
Necco Wafers For Your Mind

Bobservatory 15
Publisher to Help Look for WMD
Scientists Identify Virus that
Causes Clutter
The Bomb and Crescent
New Yorkers Celebrate
St. Tiffany’s Day
Nocturnal Solar Flare Observed
Exploding Eggs
Sponsor: The Steak ‘n’ Sirloin

Bobservatory 16
Feds Concerned About
Return of Ballroom Dancing
Dance Steps or Bomb Plans?
US to Delay Attack on Iraq,
 May Bomb France Instead
Human Waste Products Not a Waste
The Acorn and the Snail
The New Old Dutch Masters #1 –  
Franz Waffel
Necco Wafers For Your Mind

Bobservatory 17
Local Trains Closely Watched
New Staff Snowmobile Arrives
NASA to Put Chipmunk on Moon
Dimmer Light Bulb Will Use Less Power
Dimwood Estates
Necco Wafers For Your Mind
Flying Penis Attacks Gallery Patron
Recent Attack Not the Only Recent Attack
Stuffed Rabbit Nabbed in Living Room
Worm Brings Excitement to
Village of Warwick
Local Sparrow Eyes Stale Bread
Bubble Space Telescope Launched

Bobservatory 18
Cultural Exchange with Alien Pod at
Local Mall
Foundry Unveils New Fart Wedge
Chipmunk in Training for Moon Launch
Necco Wafers For Your Mind
The Adventures of Alphonse & Leroi
Greek Gyros Preparation Secrets
New Sponsor: Damitol
New Sponsor: Macaroon!
 Global Norman on the Move
Antique Bas-Relief Stolen
The Silver Apples of the Moon,
the Brown Apples of Uranus
A Message to the Readers

SEASON 3

SEASON 4